Sunday, November 29, 2009

Circus

Sorry I have been so neglectful lately.

School is winding down and life is winding up. Does that make any sense? Probably not.

I've talked a lot over the last few months about trying hard to make a life out of the structure I've been given.

Everyday I am working on dealing with the things I cannot change, acknowledging the things that I have no control over and figuring out how to deal with them in a way that works best for me.

Sometimes, growing up hurts. Sometimes it makes me sad and awkward and insecure.

Sometimes, it's beautiful and candid.

I'm working hard on reminding myself that these rough patches are worth it. That everything happens for a reason and in the end, I am becoming the person I know I am meant to be.

As one of my favorite authors says, I am taking down yesterday to make way for tomorrow.

Thanks for being patient with me.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Life





There are certain moments in my life that catch me off guard.

Moments that sneak up on you and are just so simple and beautiful and meant to be.

Albeit, these moments are rare, I believe in my heart that they are distributed to you on the days when you just can't seem to take anymore.

The other night, I sat in C's car and we talked about life and love and anxiety and depression and teaching and growing and everything and nothing and it was simple and true and exactly what I wanted and nothing that I needed.

Oh life.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

One of my favorites

I'm in the process of rebuilding my life.
I mean that in a positive way.

I don't have any uplifting words today. I'm not feeling so hot and I'm trying to regroup so I'm ready to take on the world on Monday.

I'll leave you with a clip from harold and maude which continues to be one of my favorite movies of all time.

Friday, November 6, 2009

For going out she found, was really going in.

Last night in my special ed class, the director of our program stopped by to see how things were going and to let us know that next quarter we are taking four classes (right now I'm only taking three). We were also informed that we are going to need a minimum of EIGHT textbooks.

I think I might just pull my face off like I've been threatening to do this whole time.

This quarter I needed 4 books and they cost me $340. I can't even imagine how much a minimum of eight books is going to cost.

Normally this would not be an issue because I would just use my student loan money to cover it. But I can't do that now because I have to save my student loan money to pay for Summer quarter because I don't have any financial aid then.

So, right now I'm pissy and anxious and unsure of how I'm going to continue doing this. Sure, I can just run up ANOTHER credit card for textbooks but I can't keep doing that every single quarter.

Plus I can't imagine how time consuming four classes is going to be. Life is handing me a sack of shit right now and I'm trying really hard to figure out what to do with it.

I've been given this structure made up of school and homework and student teaching and now I'm just trying to build my own life around it.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Place Holder

I have a few things in mind that I really want to right about over the next 25-ish days.

But right now I worked during the day and I'm getting ready to leave for school. I just wanted something here in case I decided to come home from school and crash.

Working at an after school program is the epitome of running a marathon. To be more accurate, it's like running a marathon on one leg while juggling fire. It's such a careful balance of working with parents, community members, students, planning lessons, following up on lessons, meeting each and every need.

I love what I do (correction, used to do) and I miss it some days.

But I know for sure that there is no way imaginable that I could continue working and go to school. Both because they overlap and because I would mentally melt.

Anyways, I'm tired. What I'm trying to say is, after school programs are an amazing thing. A well oiled machine if ran correctly. I highly encourage you to check one out.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Bad.

I make bad choices.

Not bad, like the kind your parents warn you about. But bad, like I acknowledge that it’s a bad choice yet I continue to choose it.

I’m trying to make this as anonymous as possible.

I have a friend ( C, for those of you who follow this closely) and C makes horrible choices. Bad choices that he knows are bad and I know are bad. I try really hard to be a friend that is there unconditionally but sometimes I get so fed up with being there and doing constant damage control and cleaning up huge messes. Sometimes, I get fed up with being there in the middle of the night no matter what.

It’s these times that the tables are turned. It’s these time when suddenly; it is ME making bad choices. Because, instead of putting my foot down or being assertive or showing any kind of sign that I actually possess a backbone, I continue to take these phone calls. Instead of shouting, “WHY DON’T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE”, I put on the sensitive, nurturing teacher voice and I deal with his hundreds of issues.

Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely sit there and see his name on my phone and think to myself “Man, I shouldn’t answer that”. I should let him be an adult and deal with this crap on his own. But I just can’t do it. I always pick up and I always deal with it because I’m a good friend and that’s what a good friend does, right?

Wrong.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Marathon

Sometimes I feel like my teaching program is like running a marathon.

It's exhausting and overwhelming and there are so many days when I feel like there is no way I could make it to the finish line without support and people cheering me on.

Teaching is hard and learning about disabilities is hard and trying to develop my own teaching strategies and philosophy without melting down is hard.

In January I'll start my practicum time in the classroom and I'm nervous but so ready. I miss working with kids and I miss having the opportunity to develop and enforce curriculum and the sometimes beautiful moments when lessons take a turn and there is a teaching moment that I didn't expect.

I'm trying hard to focus on the positive and get through this rough patch. The transition from taking 100 level classes to suddenly taking 300 and 400 level classes has been killing me but I know it's so worth it.

See you tomorrow.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

halloween 2009

Because I'm a loser and am sitting home passing out candy, I decided to be semi productive and blog my whole candy distributing experience.

5:53- Hello, girl I went to high school with and your offspring.

5:55- Fighting with my grandmother about Wal-Mart putting christmas stuff up too soon. I realize this is a pointless battle and go back to staring at my screen to make it seem like I'm doing something important.

5:57- Girl that is blind and deaf. Thank you Western for teaching me how to communicate with her.

5:58- Asian girl dressed as Geisha. Oh geez.

6:00- I just said sitting on the ground is hurting my knees. Except the parents walking up just heard the "hard on my knees" part. I already win teacher of the year.

6:03- Hippie and a baby. How does that work?

6:11- Kid mocking me for being on the computer. F you kid.

6:13- I hate kids who don't say thank you. makes me wish I had baked poison cookies.

6:28- White kid dressed as a black kid. ROBERT DOWNEY JR SAY WHHATT

6:32- I hate unfriendly parents. Don't worry I have NO interest in snatching your spawn.

6:38- GIRL DRESSED AS PIRATE. I LOVE YOU.

6:51- Kid just specified what candy he wanted. DICK.

6:55- Mom just asked me for one of those little strawberry candies. TWEAKER

6:56- Kid just asked "what are you doing on that computer" writing crap about you kid, that's what.

7:00- Just got asked if this is the house "from last year". Um yeah.

7:22-I don't buy the whole "my sister is sick at home trick".

7:25- It's so cold I can see myself breathing. UGH.

7:27- Running out of candy, I should start handing out life advice instead

7:30- Teenagers not dressed up and requesting I put candy in their backpacks. That's just lazy.

7:37- Babies are cute. Babies dressed as bugs and animals are cute. Babies that are barely two months and cannot hold their head up but I’m supposed to give them candy? Not cute.

7:45- I’m cold and running out of candy.

7:50- Saw kid from my summer program. He proceeded to yell “HI MISS WHITNEY IT’S ME N**** DO YOU LIVE IN THIS HOUSE? I’M GOING TO SEE YOU NEXT YEAR. Time to call a real estate agent.

7:53- Grown man dressed as Woman. What’s up Lady Gaga

8:00- Pondering the idea of giving away the rest of the crappy cheap candy and keeping the good stuff for myself.

8:05- I really do think there should be a cut off. Like once you have boobs and need to shave your arm pits, you don’t need to trick or treat.

8:10- UNFRIENDLY PARENTS SUCK.

8:13- Winding down.

8:17- I take that back.

8:20- I have seen 8328325 Optimus Prime kids tonight. I would have been bumblebee.

8:22- PRINCESS LEIA COMPLETE WITH HAIR!

8:25- sooooo cold.

8:29- All I have left are the Costco sized bag of mini candy bars. This is a sign for the universe to retreat inside.

8:30- Turning lights off.

8:35- Doorbell rings, I hear kids saying my name. Oh geez, I hope it’s not N**** again bringing the 30 other kids from over the Summer to prove that I live here.

8:37- phew it’s just my babysitting kids. Who are awesome btw.

8:40- I’m done for real now.