Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Sometimes I'm a dick

The past few days I have been working on writing my introduction letter to the first teacher who will let me work 4 hours a week in their classroom (suucckkerr).

In this letter, I had to include my teaching philosophy.

It took me two days, a headache, some serious snacks and advise from my closest friends and cohort members.

I just couldn't move beyond "Survive each day without killing myself or anyone else".

Don't stress, I finally did it.

But I still would like to know what kind of teacher would let me work in their room if I wrote something like that.

I'm a dick.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Shane uses the word "Candid" a lot in conversation. I'm trying to think of some examples but nothing is coming to mind. Just trust me when I say that he does.

Anyways, the goal of this blog since the time I started it was to give people an honest look into my life as I finish my teaching degree and begin the transition from being a student full time to being in the classroom full time. A candid look, as Shane would say.

That includes the moments that are less than perfect. That includes the moments that just flat out suck.

Lately that's how things have been. Nothing alarming or unmanageable, just less than awesome.

On Sunday, I decided to be active and actually DO something in an effort to make myself feel better. So I got up, got on a ferry and spent the day in Seattle.

The weather was perfect. It was bright and sunny but still cold. Just the way I like it.

This is the view from Pike Place Market. I'm not usually a touristy person, but I really do think everyone should visit Pike Place at least once. It's an awesome experience.

Another really awesome thing about Seattle is the street art. There are sculptures and other cool things all over the place. This is just a tiny example of some of the things I saw. It's a penguin made out of all recycled materials. My favorite part is the ice cream scoops.

This is the view from the Seattle Public Library. Which, if you are anything like me and like books in the least. The Seattle Library is the place for you. It's amazing and HUGE. I believe it's 8 or 9 floors.
I saved this picture for last because it's the most important. This was taken inside the Seattle Art Museum. Right now, admission to the museum is donation only so you can pay whatever you can afford. These are cars that hang in the lobby. Super clever.
It was inside the art museum that I finally had my zen moment. I was standing in front of a real Monet painting (you would have to know what a weird, art obsessed kid I was growing up to realize the importance of this). Anyways, I was standing in front of a real Monet for what seemed like probably half an hour. For whatever reason, this painting really shifted my perspective on things. I just stood there, and I could feel the change in me. I knew I was able to handle everything. I knew for certain that everything was going to be okay, that I was going to be okay.

p.s. It was this Monet, in case you were curious.

*photo courtesy of google*

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I'm Myelinating

Have you noticed the overwhelming sense of bitterness coming this way?

I don't know what it is anymore. My body and my mind are dealing with 101 different emotions and situations and tasks at hand. At any given time, I feel angry and lonely and overwhelmed and sad and uncomfortable and out of control.

I need to calm down. And I need take a deep breath. And I need to recognize that I DO have control. I feel like right now, I must allow myself to feel angry. And sad. And lonely. And crazy. I must experience it, or it will rear it's ugly head with so much power I might not be able to calm it down. I need to make time to sit down and think about my situation. I need to acknowledge that this is going on and then I can move on to the next step, which is crying and screaming and writing and coping.

And then I can move on.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Over and Over Again

I've had the crappiest week ever.

Ok, maybe not ever but pretty damn close.

So crappy in fact, that I spent the better part of last night on the phone with C, crying and rambling incoherently.

I'm pretty sure I said something about giving up teaching because school has been so overwhelming lately and pursuing porn instead. But of course this was between burst of tears and snot snorting that I can't be 100% sure.

So that's where I've been. Dealing with life and school and feeling overwhelmed and disgusting.

But instead of whining about life, I've come here to share two AWESOME things.

1) My new favorite game. My new favorite game consists of looking at people' political preferences on facebook. Then once I find out someone is a republican, I go back to November 4th and read their statuses. SOOOO FUNNY. Like, I can't even tell you.

2) I was feeling all crummy again today and was just getting ready to give in and comfort bake. THEN I SAW THAT BEHIND THE MUSIC LIL WAYNE WAS ON. I honestly can say in my heart that I felt like this was given to me by the gods. I could not stop laughing. He said things like "it could be some heroin in my cup, aint nobody's business" and "my mom and my fatha figures were there". LOL.

Oh lil wayne, thanks for turning my week around.

Monday, October 5, 2009

If you never really get me, then I guess you'll never know

Being my friend, like actually someone I give a shit about requires a lot. I would rank it right above what it takes to be an adoptive parent and right below the requirements to get into Harvard.

Let me give you a run down of how it works:

-It primarily comes down to Respect. When I first meet you, I'm not going to like you. If you respect that I have this right and that it's happening, you'll automatically gain my respect. In the words of one of my favorite Real Housewives, "I won't like you, until I like you". Respect that there are going to be days when I won't want to talk to you. Respect me and I'll respect you right back.

-Boundaries. I have 230872052 different weird boundaries and unless we predetermine that you recognize my boundaries and they don't scare you away, you better damn well know what they are, because crossing my boundaries will get you a one way ticket out of friend town. Don't call me, don't text me, don't talk about my life or my anxiety or my family like you are apart of that. It's a boundaries issue.

-I am a mean girl. "Down to the core" as Shane will say. I mock and I criticize and I'll call you out if I think you're wrong about something or if I think you are just being a flat out jackass. I don't mess around or sugarcoat things. My own core philosophy is this, I may be mean or snatchy or however you want to word it, but I'm definitely not a liar.

-Hate the same things I do. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. Nothing works better for me than a friendship based on hating things together. I told C once, I like when we like the same things, but I LOVE when we hate the same things.

-I need to snack round the damn clock. I can feel it happening when I need a snack. I automatically lose the ability to deal with anything when I need a snack and if you know that this happens, we will hit it off well. It's not something I can control and if you take this into consideration when we interact, I will greatly appreciate it.

-There are a few phrases I'll say when I'm at my wits end with you. Look out for "I'm sure" or "I bet". This are the verbally equivalent of me just saying I don't care.

-Lastly, I blog. In a number of locations. Chances are, I will talk about you on my blog. Sorry. If it bothers you, I'll abbreviate your name.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

If I had something to say to you, I'd whisper it softly.

-Lately I keep getting really bad headaches, either I need new glasses or my brain is melting.

-I've kicked around the idea of suing Jk Rowling for copyright infringement because I'm positive she based Dementors on my Grandmother.

-I made chocolate chip cookies today. They are amazing and 80% of them are now safely hidden in my junk food spot.

-I spent 3 minutes trying to figure out how to word "junk food spot" so it wouldn't sound like I was talking about my vagina.

-I hate one word text messages but lately I've been sending them a lot because I'm lazy and anti-social.

That's all.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

1 AM nonsense

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what makes up a family.

This could be because of a lot of reasons, the first being that we have been talking about the importance of a family unit during the transition period from general ed to special ed in my special ed class. The second being that there has been a lot of family stuff lately and a blood relative of a friend of mine pointed out that my family is "quite frankly not a real family" to said friend, when in my opinion they have been a family unit to the core.

Here's what I have decided:

A family is made up of the people who are there for you consistently through the good and bad times in your life. A family member is someone who has seen you cry. And not just sad "at the end of Wall-E" tears, but the loud obnoxious snot running down your face tears. A family member knows that your tongue breaks out in weird gross bumps when you eat strawberries. They know that you hate Will Smith movies and that you require snacks and drinks when you are going to be gone for more than two hours. A family member knows the names of the people in your life. They respect the days that you are in a slump and make the choice to not get out of bed. They are there to celebrate each victory in your life, be it big or small. They are there to carry you through the difficulties. A family to me, is an ultimate support system, who acts on the "Whatever makes you happy" philosophy and respects you as a person who can think and reason for themselves.

To me, a family has NOTHING to do with being a blood relative. A family unit can be made up of blood relatives who aren't crazy, friends who have been there for you without question, teachers who have unconditionally support your growth and development in ways that you can't even begin to realize just yet.

You have relatives through blood, you have a family through choice.